I was listening to a podcast of one of my favourite radio shows; Love, Life and All Things Weird. In the show they spoke about NOT setting goals, although we are generally conditioned to do so at this time of year. The lovely hosts of the show (my aunts <3) suggested we get in touch with the energy of what we wanted 2016 to be like, and then, choose a word to describe it. Then focus on the word, instead of a goal or target. I closed my eyes and followed along with the exercise and felt into the energy I wanted to experience in my life. I saw myself choosing in every moment where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. I saw myself surrounded by beauty, my beautiful home, my artwork, the beauty of other people and the earth. I felt myself happy, filled with joy. I chose 3 words to describe the amazing feeling I became aware of; freedom, beauty, joy. I loved what I saw. I loved how I felt. My heart yearned for this to be my reality. Looking at my past I would choose the words responsible, practical and realist to describe the energy of how I've lived my life. All my life I've been the responsible one. As the oldest of 7 children I was very much responsible for helping to care for my younger siblings. I was careful to be responsible for myself so as not to put extra strain on my already overburdened parents. I did what I 'should,' only always. I went to school, got good grades, got married, in the right way, at the right time, because I should. I had many children because I was taught that I should. I have made many of my life choices based on what I should do as a responsible person. What 'should' I do? How 'should' I act? What 'should' I want for myself and my life? Not that being responsible is bad, but I made many decisions based on what I should do rather than allowing myself the freedom to choose or even know what I really wanted. I have always tended to be very practical in life. I remember having a job each summer and carefully saving all my money so I could have it to use for the things I needed over the coming year. I have always worn mostly hand me downs because clothing wasn't that important when there were so many other more practical things to consider: shoes for the children, piano lessons, gas for the van... I was always careful to keep track of and carefully use our family resources. There has been little room in my life for anything other than the basics of life, let alone even the consideration of beauty. There have been very few things I have dreamt of having, doing or being in my life. As a realist I have generally thought I have kids, I don't have time for that. I am a single mom, I can't afford that. There's no point in wanting more than what I have because this is what I've been given as my life. I'm only this smart, I only have this much time, I don't have any one to work with or hep me do anything different. There is no point in dreams or aspirations, no room for joy. I was really discouraged this morning thinking about the contrast of what I am and what I want. I crawled back into bed with my journal after sending my husband off to work. I began to write about my discouragement and frustration. My confusion about life and what mine is all about. I rolled over in bed. Yes I'm in bed and writing because I can. I usually go to the gym first thing in the morning but today I stayed home to write. I don't have a job. I left my job at the end of last summer so I could be at home and do what? I'm not sure yet. But I knew it was what I needed to do, so I did it. Also, I simply don't have anywhere I have to be today. I have a list of things I should get done but what will happen if I don't? Nothing. The world will not end. Children will not go hungry. I add to my to do list, maybe I'll do something. I keep writing instead. My friend, Michelle, calls. She teaches me what cycle the moon is in and what that means for me. I get up and put the ingredients for soup in the crock pot. It's a cold day. I love that my husband will come home from working outside all day and be pleased to have warm soup for supper. Freedom. My husband renovated the bathroom which led to painting the bathroom and our bedroom. I chose 'blue jean' paint colour from Benjamin Moore just because it's so pretty. I had to get new curtains because the old ones didn't match. I got a beautiful painting for Christmas, it's hanging on the wall. It's painted by a local artist. The colour of the water perfectly compliments the blue on the walls. The fog outside has 'frosted' the trees in the front yard and the ones across the street are barely visible. Beautiful. After being single for many, many years I got married this past summer. Before I met Mike, I hadn't even dated since I got divorced. I was really apprehensive about being with anyone since my 17 years of marriage hadn't really been that happy. He asked me to marry him. Then he asked me again. And again. We had a beautiful wedding outside under the trees. We went to France on our honeymoon. At Christmas my daughters gave him this card. Soon he will be home. We will share our thoughts about the day while we eat soup. My daughter is lying on the couch. Her brother is helping her with her homework. Together they are teasing me about what I did or didn't do all day. My daughter tells me she hates soup and laments that she must have it for super. Joy.
Freedom, Beauty, Joy are already my way of life. Before I could consciously ask this of myself it was already created for me. I am thrilled at how kind the universe is. I am thrilled at how kind I am to myself today, allowing myself the space and time to see the Freedom, Beauty and Joy of my life. In Kindness, Becky
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
"Be kind to yourself, dear - to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance. You will come to see that all evolves us." Rumi Beckywriter, artist, seeker, kindness enthusiast Archives
December 2016
Categories |