I was gifted the opportunity to take a Digital Storytelling Workshop at a local art gallery on the weekend. What a treat! And what an amazing way to tell a story. Check out my finished product.
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I was listening to a podcast of one of my favourite radio shows; Love, Life and All Things Weird. In the show they spoke about NOT setting goals, although we are generally conditioned to do so at this time of year. The lovely hosts of the show (my aunts <3) suggested we get in touch with the energy of what we wanted 2016 to be like, and then, choose a word to describe it. Then focus on the word, instead of a goal or target. I closed my eyes and followed along with the exercise and felt into the energy I wanted to experience in my life. I saw myself choosing in every moment where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. I saw myself surrounded by beauty, my beautiful home, my artwork, the beauty of other people and the earth. I felt myself happy, filled with joy. I chose 3 words to describe the amazing feeling I became aware of; freedom, beauty, joy. I loved what I saw. I loved how I felt. My heart yearned for this to be my reality. Looking at my past I would choose the words responsible, practical and realist to describe the energy of how I've lived my life. All my life I've been the responsible one. As the oldest of 7 children I was very much responsible for helping to care for my younger siblings. I was careful to be responsible for myself so as not to put extra strain on my already overburdened parents. I did what I 'should,' only always. I went to school, got good grades, got married, in the right way, at the right time, because I should. I had many children because I was taught that I should. I have made many of my life choices based on what I should do as a responsible person. What 'should' I do? How 'should' I act? What 'should' I want for myself and my life? Not that being responsible is bad, but I made many decisions based on what I should do rather than allowing myself the freedom to choose or even know what I really wanted. I have always tended to be very practical in life. I remember having a job each summer and carefully saving all my money so I could have it to use for the things I needed over the coming year. I have always worn mostly hand me downs because clothing wasn't that important when there were so many other more practical things to consider: shoes for the children, piano lessons, gas for the van... I was always careful to keep track of and carefully use our family resources. There has been little room in my life for anything other than the basics of life, let alone even the consideration of beauty. There have been very few things I have dreamt of having, doing or being in my life. As a realist I have generally thought I have kids, I don't have time for that. I am a single mom, I can't afford that. There's no point in wanting more than what I have because this is what I've been given as my life. I'm only this smart, I only have this much time, I don't have any one to work with or hep me do anything different. There is no point in dreams or aspirations, no room for joy. I was really discouraged this morning thinking about the contrast of what I am and what I want. I crawled back into bed with my journal after sending my husband off to work. I began to write about my discouragement and frustration. My confusion about life and what mine is all about. I rolled over in bed. Yes I'm in bed and writing because I can. I usually go to the gym first thing in the morning but today I stayed home to write. I don't have a job. I left my job at the end of last summer so I could be at home and do what? I'm not sure yet. But I knew it was what I needed to do, so I did it. Also, I simply don't have anywhere I have to be today. I have a list of things I should get done but what will happen if I don't? Nothing. The world will not end. Children will not go hungry. I add to my to do list, maybe I'll do something. I keep writing instead. My friend, Michelle, calls. She teaches me what cycle the moon is in and what that means for me. I get up and put the ingredients for soup in the crock pot. It's a cold day. I love that my husband will come home from working outside all day and be pleased to have warm soup for supper. Freedom. My husband renovated the bathroom which led to painting the bathroom and our bedroom. I chose 'blue jean' paint colour from Benjamin Moore just because it's so pretty. I had to get new curtains because the old ones didn't match. I got a beautiful painting for Christmas, it's hanging on the wall. It's painted by a local artist. The colour of the water perfectly compliments the blue on the walls. The fog outside has 'frosted' the trees in the front yard and the ones across the street are barely visible. Beautiful. After being single for many, many years I got married this past summer. Before I met Mike, I hadn't even dated since I got divorced. I was really apprehensive about being with anyone since my 17 years of marriage hadn't really been that happy. He asked me to marry him. Then he asked me again. And again. We had a beautiful wedding outside under the trees. We went to France on our honeymoon. At Christmas my daughters gave him this card. Soon he will be home. We will share our thoughts about the day while we eat soup. My daughter is lying on the couch. Her brother is helping her with her homework. Together they are teasing me about what I did or didn't do all day. My daughter tells me she hates soup and laments that she must have it for super. Joy.
Freedom, Beauty, Joy are already my way of life. Before I could consciously ask this of myself it was already created for me. I am thrilled at how kind the universe is. I am thrilled at how kind I am to myself today, allowing myself the space and time to see the Freedom, Beauty and Joy of my life. In Kindness, Becky Make a list of things that make you happy. I have many lists. Lists of things to do today. Lists of things to do everyday. Lists of books to read or listen to. Lists of things to buy. Lists of errands to run. Lists of what I should make for supper. Lists of bills to pay. Lists of projects I'm working on. Lists of consciousness tools I (should) use. Lists of clearings I'm repeating to become more aware and conscious. Lists of targets I'd like to reach and all the things I need to do to reach them. Lists to help me remember what I should do each day to guarantee a better day. I'm a list girl. I keep all my lists in my super handy bullet journal. I started today in the kindest way. I slept in. I went to my new yoga class. I came home and fed myself. Then I thought to myself I better get at my lists. Go through and track the things I've done and get doing all those things that are so good for me. Good for me = kind, right? It's good for me to do my clearings, read my kindness questions and mantras, listen to my consciousness courses... Only it felt so heavy today (and honestly it has for a few days). I was upset with myself for not wanting to do all these things that are so "good for me". I have all these voices in my head that tell me to be responsible, do what I'm supposed to, and I should be working on my business because isn't making money the top priority right now?? (Especially since I quit my job-more on that later) I internally chastised myself, these things just need to be done, you'll be all the better for it, Becky. Yes, I know, very kind. Today, instead of getting at it I paused. I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths. I asked: "what would make me happy". Checked that list. Compared the lists and adjusted accordingly. Kind. About a month ago I had the idea that I'd like to make a journal out of re-use paper. Today, I spilled the paper on the floor and created. I feel so expanded and happy today. I have a sense of being me. I feel so grateful to me for the slight course correction I made and the internal freedom I created for myself because of it. I think there is a unspoken rule in our society that there is only a little bit of some days that are for doing what's fun or what makes us happy. Maybe it's an algorithm. The rest of the time we must do what is right and proper and what someone else has deemed important. Who are these someones that deemed and what gave them so much power to be deeming all of this?
What would it take for me to do what makes me happy, only all day, every day? In Kindness, Becky Well, when you first begin a blog, what do you write? I'm sure there are many ways to begin but I shall begin like this...
I love to write. I write everyday. Everyday something glorious comes out of my pen and appears on the page. (except for the days when it doesn't) I have been a seeker for sometime now... I found this great definition of seeker on Urban Dictionary. Seeker: someone who has become enlightened in the ways of the universe by accepting they know nothing about it. This seems to fit me. Everyday I write in the hopes that I might be a little more aware of me and my place in the universe. I'm not sure if it's working but I love the process of writing and the expanded feeling I have when I do it. I love when the energy seems to expand out of me and the separation between me and everything around me gets blurry. I love when that energy moves and all of a sudden I can take a breath that is deeper by far than the ones before. So I'm a seeker and a writer. What else.. Kindness. I think if you asked almost anyone who knows me one of the first things they would offer as a descriptor of me would be "kind". Really! Ask anyone. Now self kindness, that's a little different. I've been becoming increasingly aware, lately, that I am generally not that kind to myself. The things I say to myself. The things I allow for myself. Not kind. When I look in the mirror. Not kind. When I look back at what I did today or 3 weeks ago. Not kind. When I examine my progress or performance. Not Kind. I have this little song going through my head from when I was little, it went something like this: I want to be kind to everyone, For that is right you see, So I say to myself, remember this- Kindness begins with me. "Kindness begins with me." I must be kind to me me. This is where all kindness begins. And here begins My Kindness Project: a major undertaking to discover what it is to be kind to me. I'm not sure what this will look like. What will it take to be kind to myself each day? What can I do today that will be a kindness to me? I asked and wondered. I took a nap, ate, and began to write this. Where will this take me? What fun will I have? Maybe you'd like to come along for the ride? Becky |
"Be kind to yourself, dear - to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance. You will come to see that all evolves us." Rumi Beckywriter, artist, seeker, kindness enthusiast Archives
December 2016
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